You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Randomize
