You're so nebulous sometimes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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