how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
