She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
