I wish I only lived at night.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
