Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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