my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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