When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
