yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
