I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
