They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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