i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
