Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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