I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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