I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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