well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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