Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
