DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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