i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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