I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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