I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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