What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
