Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
