My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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