Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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