Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
