The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
