forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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