Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
