i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
