My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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