I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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