Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
