I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
