Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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