I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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