Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
