Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
