Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
