On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
