I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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