got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
where are you?
Hypothermia
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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