She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
