not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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