I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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