That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
