i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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