I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think my vagina is haunted
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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