If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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