omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
